FromVtoZ

 An odd thing I've come to terms with is that I am only capable of living in the exact moment. Mentally there is only today. There is only getting through today. Doing what you can to get through today. (thanks dep/adhd) I find myself too busy coping with today to deal with tomorrow. More and more putting things off to get through today, piling them onto tomorrow. So you do what you can just to make it to tomorrow. Rinse and repeat. All the while putting things off, always saying to yourself, there's always tomorrow. Piling more and more onto a tomorrow you'll never actually face. Just making things progressively worse for when you back yourself into a corner, surrounded by all the 'there's always tomorrow's'. Being fully aware of this, but still doing all I can do deal with today. Too afraid of today to realize that tomorrow has become so much worse.  For now, There is just the moment, and the moment is long.

 Most days when I'm not doing a lot of hard coping I'm just... Nothing? Empty? It's like the only thing I am is a space occupier. There's no great longing, no goals, just eyes open awake, empty. I say most days, but its in all reality an all the time kind of thing. There's just a lingering emptiness no matter what. It's like the nothing has festered deep down in my brain and it just saps everything. Only two emotions come to me these days when I'm not empty. Sadness and Anger like to bounce in at random times (sometimes 562 times an hour) The only emotions that can grow in a hole. But even those emotions come wrong. The sadness comes in waves. But nothing comes from it. I can find myself tearing up trying to keep my head above the waves. Tearing up, tearing up, tearing up, but nothing comes from it. There is no release. Just waves and waves of sadness. Waves and waves of tears building up, then nothing. The emotions wash over me then the nothing takes them b...

What a weird time to be alive. Our lives sure went from predictable to what the fuck is happening now. These past few years have been, well, eventful to say the least, but I guess let's talk about the big one. Corona19. A very strange time, and one that I fear has taken a significant toll on my mental health and general well being. Isolation for extended periods of time seems to have made me much more anxious in public now. I'd say it goes beyond anxious, being in public makes me deeply uncomfortable at times. I can mask and get on with it, but I can't tell you the number of times I left somewhere early or cut something short because I wasn't comfortable. Large crowds especially make me basically nope out. With how many absolute morons there are in this country, I just find it easier to avoid people these days. Keep your Rona to yourselves, thank you. On one hand, I do enjoy the masks. Having something to hide behind has made it at least tolerable at times. Granted, peo...