No Thing

 Most days when I'm not doing a lot of hard coping I'm just... Nothing? Empty? It's like the only thing I am is a space occupier. There's no great longing, no goals, just eyes open awake, empty. I say most days, but its in all reality an all the time kind of thing. There's just a lingering emptiness no matter what. It's like the nothing has festered deep down in my brain and it just saps everything. Only two emotions come to me these days when I'm not empty. Sadness and Anger like to bounce in at random times (sometimes 562 times an hour) The only emotions that can grow in a hole. But even those emotions come wrong. The sadness comes in waves. But nothing comes from it. I can find myself tearing up trying to keep my head above the waves. Tearing up, tearing up, tearing up, but nothing comes from it. There is no release. Just waves and waves of sadness. Waves and waves of tears building up, then nothing. The emotions wash over me then the nothing takes them back. The waves of sadness defeated by the nothing. Dragged back into the depths of its abyss. The two will some days spend hours and hours just going back and forth. Overwhelmed by sadness, just to feel nothing seconds later, just to be on the verge of tears, just for the empty again. Just, over and over. Anger comes, but it doesn't have the stopping power that the sadness does. But the two do seem to work well together. If the anger comes, the sadness follows. Just 24/7 shifting. Never experiencing the lighter side to emotion. Just empty in a pit with psychotic emotions fighting to be king of nothing. 

and it's everyday. The pit reaches so far down that light never sees its bottom. The train so far derailed I just don't see it ever getting back on course. The idea of taking it on just leaves me cowering in a coping corner. (just get through the day just get through the day) Being in a hole for so long has made escape seem like an impossibility. It's like I've thrown myself in prison and made myself blind to the key. Hope lies dead inside of me. And I'm the only one who can do anything about it. I'm my own jailer and I'm the only one who can help me escape. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to stand up to myself anymore. I feel I've accepted my fate and am awaiting the day I die in my sleep. (which will probably be soon) I feel so defeated and instead of picking myself back up I'm just allowing the beating to continue on the ground. I'm stuck in a pit of my despair and am equally terrified of the things that could await me outside the hole. I'm so fucking stuck in the status quo.